I've been meaning to write a post about the difference between rules and boundaries in a polyamorous relationship. Then Tacit did it for me, much better than I could have. Go read it here.
An additional note here: Read the comments. There is a REALLY interesting discussion in there about STI testing issues and several other good comments in there!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Bisexual men are real!
I cannot stop laughing about this study. Apparently I, and my boyfriend, are real.
Actually - my boyfriend would not have qualified for this study. He has only had one sexual relationship with a woman - the woman he married and is still in a happy marriage to. They would probably not qualify me as a man for the purposes of the study, since I was born female. But still, I find it an amusing study anyway.
Upon thinking further though, I found myself annoyed about the methods used. This writeup gives a little more detail, and I have some concerns.
Reactions to pornography really isn't necessarily the best way to show someone's sexual response to certain genders. I would probably show up on this test as completely gay, since I primarily look at/respond to male only porn. The female stuff I like is really limited to high quality kink porn (really anything Tristan Taormino has directed) so with normal vanilla girl-on-girl stuff I'd almost certainly be completely turned off. It's not because I don't like women. I primarily fall in LOVE with women. The best sex I have ever had is with women. ALL of my primary relationships have been with women. But I am visually much more attracted to men.
I think many bisexual people identify this way - romantically more attracted to one gender, sexually more attracted to the other. That doesn't make us not bi (or pansexual, or omnisexual etc). It just makes us complex - like all humans.
Actually - my boyfriend would not have qualified for this study. He has only had one sexual relationship with a woman - the woman he married and is still in a happy marriage to. They would probably not qualify me as a man for the purposes of the study, since I was born female. But still, I find it an amusing study anyway.
Upon thinking further though, I found myself annoyed about the methods used. This writeup gives a little more detail, and I have some concerns.
Reactions to pornography really isn't necessarily the best way to show someone's sexual response to certain genders. I would probably show up on this test as completely gay, since I primarily look at/respond to male only porn. The female stuff I like is really limited to high quality kink porn (really anything Tristan Taormino has directed) so with normal vanilla girl-on-girl stuff I'd almost certainly be completely turned off. It's not because I don't like women. I primarily fall in LOVE with women. The best sex I have ever had is with women. ALL of my primary relationships have been with women. But I am visually much more attracted to men.
I think many bisexual people identify this way - romantically more attracted to one gender, sexually more attracted to the other. That doesn't make us not bi (or pansexual, or omnisexual etc). It just makes us complex - like all humans.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Support
My Dad had a major illness scare this week. Without going into a lot of details, the basic issues are this: Dad has had cancer in the past, they found a new tumor, they took it out, it turned out to be benign. It was a scary week, and recovery from the surgery will take quite awhile, but he's going to be okay.
The reason why this belongs on the blog is that I have been posting to my friends on twitter about this all week, and the support I have gotten there has been enormous. I was really scared by this whole situation (Dad is only 60, and I love him a lot) and talking about it there and seeing the supportive tweets come back was really important to me.
My parents found out I was kinky when I was a teenager, and they FREAKED OUT. When I was 18 I told them it was a phase and I'm over it.... and as far as they know that is still the case.
Today I saw not one or two, but a 14 kinksters responded to my message announcing that the tumor was benign. All of them were supportive, knowing how important this news was to my family. Most were people I know well in the non-digital world.
When my parents found out I was interested in kink as a teenager, they thought I would connect with people who were a danger to me. Instead, I have connected with people who care deeply not only about myself, but about my whole family.
The reason why this belongs on the blog is that I have been posting to my friends on twitter about this all week, and the support I have gotten there has been enormous. I was really scared by this whole situation (Dad is only 60, and I love him a lot) and talking about it there and seeing the supportive tweets come back was really important to me.
My parents found out I was kinky when I was a teenager, and they FREAKED OUT. When I was 18 I told them it was a phase and I'm over it.... and as far as they know that is still the case.
Today I saw not one or two, but a 14 kinksters responded to my message announcing that the tumor was benign. All of them were supportive, knowing how important this news was to my family. Most were people I know well in the non-digital world.
When my parents found out I was interested in kink as a teenager, they thought I would connect with people who were a danger to me. Instead, I have connected with people who care deeply not only about myself, but about my whole family.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Talking to the kids
One of the big struggles that families have to deal with is talking to their kids about issues of sex and relationships. When the family in question doesn't look like most families (such as those who are in same sex relationships, or polyamorous) this can be particularly complicated. Deciding when and how to discuss these issues with kids is really hard.
Right now my family is struggling with that. My boyfriend's son is 4, and starting to become aware of my place in the family. He's too young to understand about sex and romantic love, but he knows I'm close with his parents in a way that isn't like their other friends. He recently called me "Daddy's special best friend" and when asked who the people in his family are, he included me (as well as the dogs).
In most situations there'd be no need to say anything. He already "gets" it on the level he needs to at his age, and we would answer any questions he had as they came up. We'd probably start talking about LGBT issues a bit as he enters kindergarten this fall, and not worry a whole lot.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend, like many people, has fundamentalist Catholic parents who are going to make this difficult for us. His father will not only freak out if he discovers his son is bisexual and non-monogamous, he will also pull out all of his support for the family (much of which is financial right now) and will probably try to seek custody of the kid, declaring both my boyfriend and his wife unfit parents. Such a custody dispute would not succeed, but he'd try and it would be terribly stressful.
It's just one more way religious fundamentalism complicates the lives of those of us in sexual minority groups. We want this child raised in an accepting environment where his questions can be answered openly and honestly. We want him to be able to be close with all of us. But instead we have to pull back, and hide things from him. The damage that could be done by the babble of a four year old is enormous.
Eventually he will be able to understand ideas about privacy and "things we don't tell Grandma and Grandpa" and such. But for now, it's just frustrating.
Right now my family is struggling with that. My boyfriend's son is 4, and starting to become aware of my place in the family. He's too young to understand about sex and romantic love, but he knows I'm close with his parents in a way that isn't like their other friends. He recently called me "Daddy's special best friend" and when asked who the people in his family are, he included me (as well as the dogs).
In most situations there'd be no need to say anything. He already "gets" it on the level he needs to at his age, and we would answer any questions he had as they came up. We'd probably start talking about LGBT issues a bit as he enters kindergarten this fall, and not worry a whole lot.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend, like many people, has fundamentalist Catholic parents who are going to make this difficult for us. His father will not only freak out if he discovers his son is bisexual and non-monogamous, he will also pull out all of his support for the family (much of which is financial right now) and will probably try to seek custody of the kid, declaring both my boyfriend and his wife unfit parents. Such a custody dispute would not succeed, but he'd try and it would be terribly stressful.
It's just one more way religious fundamentalism complicates the lives of those of us in sexual minority groups. We want this child raised in an accepting environment where his questions can be answered openly and honestly. We want him to be able to be close with all of us. But instead we have to pull back, and hide things from him. The damage that could be done by the babble of a four year old is enormous.
Eventually he will be able to understand ideas about privacy and "things we don't tell Grandma and Grandpa" and such. But for now, it's just frustrating.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Rebecca Watson is my hero!
I posted some stuff about my thoughts about privilege and stuff previously here.
That being said, Rebecca Watson from Skepchick has posted a follow up video. It is awesome, and I HAD to link to it here.
The video is here
That being said, Rebecca Watson from Skepchick has posted a follow up video. It is awesome, and I HAD to link to it here.
The video is here
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I don't always ageplay
I had 2 different people ask me today if I was okay - both noticed that I didn't spend any time in the "Little's Room" at MTKF (other than the classes I went to and taught in there) and were wondering if there was a problem.
I reassured both of them - I'm FINE, there isn't a problem, and I appreciated the concern but I had reasons for doing other things this weekend.
This startled me though. I don't want to be known as "just an ageplayer" in exactly the same reasons some of my friends who do rope work don't want to be known as "just a rigger." Many kinksters have a wide range of interests, and may sometimes spend a whole weekend/event/month/relationship doing things OTHER than the kind of play that we are best known for.
For ME, I spent the weekend doing more classic BDSM play instead of ageplay because I attended the event with my boyfriend and my play partner (his wife) and neither of them are ageplayers. This was their first event, and we wanted to play together, learn together, and watch other people play together.
I did spend a some time with my Big this weekend, but even that time was MOSTLY spent not ageplaying. She and I do other stuff too (lots of things) and the small amount of ageplay we DID do was in private.
I'm REALLY glad I did this. I didn't feel that my ageplay-side was neglected. I was getting other needs met, connecting with my family, and learning a ton of new things.
So please remember - when you think of someone as being closely identified with one particular fetish, it doesn't mean they can't spend awhile doing other things. Many of us who are generally known for one fetish also have other interests, and may want to spend some time focused on those.
I reassured both of them - I'm FINE, there isn't a problem, and I appreciated the concern but I had reasons for doing other things this weekend.
This startled me though. I don't want to be known as "just an ageplayer" in exactly the same reasons some of my friends who do rope work don't want to be known as "just a rigger." Many kinksters have a wide range of interests, and may sometimes spend a whole weekend/event/month/relationship doing things OTHER than the kind of play that we are best known for.
For ME, I spent the weekend doing more classic BDSM play instead of ageplay because I attended the event with my boyfriend and my play partner (his wife) and neither of them are ageplayers. This was their first event, and we wanted to play together, learn together, and watch other people play together.
I did spend a some time with my Big this weekend, but even that time was MOSTLY spent not ageplaying. She and I do other stuff too (lots of things) and the small amount of ageplay we DID do was in private.
I'm REALLY glad I did this. I didn't feel that my ageplay-side was neglected. I was getting other needs met, connecting with my family, and learning a ton of new things.
So please remember - when you think of someone as being closely identified with one particular fetish, it doesn't mean they can't spend awhile doing other things. Many of us who are generally known for one fetish also have other interests, and may want to spend some time focused on those.
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