Sunday, April 8, 2012

Review: How to Be Kinkier - by Morpheous

The title of this book is How to Be Kinkier - More Adventures in Adult Playtime. It is a sequel to Morpheous' previous book How to Be Kinky and is a full-color photo filled how-to book published by Green Candy Press, copyright 2012.

First of all, I really like the idea of this book. With an abundance of 101 level kink books on the market, something that talks about the more advanced ideas, and ways to bring your heavier fantasies into reality. This book will have a lot of ideas for those who are new to kink, but have already attended a few munches or events, and read through the usual beginner books. It will even have a few ideas for those of us who have been doing the kinky stuff for awhile.

The book includes higher-level looks at many of the same issues I expect to see in beginner manuals: Negotiations, sex toys, bondage, and community. I find the "kinkier" step-up in these areas to be very well done. The negotiation section doesn't look at basic negotiation (there are no checklists here!), but instead talks about negotiation STYLES. The sex toys chapter investigates advanced toys like electrical toys, figging, and importantly includes a section on traveling with toys in our security-focused world. The safety section is of particular interest to me; it investigates risk management right from the start, instead of pretending we can somehow eliminate risks, or making judgement calls on kinds of play that are too "unsafe" to indulge in. Furthermore the community chapter is titled "Developing your Community" and actively encourages people to get involved and gives wonderful advice on ways to actually improve your local community, as well as wonderful commentary on both finding and BEING a good mentor. This is, in my opinion, the most valuable part of this book.

How to Be Kinkier also includes areas that do not belong in a beginner book, but feel appropriate for this level, such as "How to be a Pro." It looks into creating professional events, and becoming a professional fetish model with real-world advice and a step-by-step feel.

The only real complaint I have about this book is the presence of the chapter on polyamory. It is basically a Poly 101 chapter, and I don't think it belongs in this book. It's not that it isn't well written (although this approach to poly is not what works for me), it's just that I see polyamory and kink as distinctly different things. I don't see it as belonging in this book.

Finally, this book is pretty. It is filled with full-color photos on slightly more than every other page. In addition to being the author, Morpheous is the photographer and he is quite talented. The photos show a variety of kinks and fetish-fashions, many different models, and are cleverly subtitled with ideas about how to step up your own kink play. While none of the models are my type (I have a preference for more body-mass and none of the models are plus sized), they will fit the ideals of a majority of readers, and the photo quality is excellent.

I do recommend this book to those looking for a more adventurous reading option than the glut of beginner books on the market today. Those with an interest in fetish photography will particularly enjoy it.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Changes

I have recently joined the blogging team over at Queereka.com which is a blog in the Skepchick network. I'm loving it over there!

Since most of my more LGBT blogging will take place over there, I want to use this blog for slightly different things in the future.

First of all, it is likely to focus more on my personal life than Queereka. Secondly, it will focus more on kink and non-monogamy than LGBT issues, since that is more appropriate for this forum. Third, I want to start including product and book reviews here - both on science topic books and on sexuality topic books, as well as some sex toys and such.

So that's the future of Science Based Sex. I hope you folks enjoy it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Rules vs Boundaries

I've been meaning to write a post about the difference between rules and boundaries in a polyamorous relationship. Then Tacit did it for me, much better than I could have. Go read it here.

An additional note here: Read the comments. There is a REALLY interesting discussion in there about STI testing issues and several other good comments in there!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bisexual men are real!

I cannot stop laughing about this study. Apparently I, and my boyfriend, are real.

Actually - my boyfriend would not have qualified for this study. He has only had one sexual relationship with a woman - the woman he married and is still in a happy marriage to. They would probably not qualify me as a man for the purposes of the study, since I was born female. But still, I find it an amusing study anyway.

Upon thinking further though, I found myself annoyed about the methods used. This writeup gives a little more detail, and I have some concerns.

Reactions to pornography really isn't necessarily the best way to show someone's sexual response to certain genders. I would probably show up on this test as completely gay, since I primarily look at/respond to male only porn. The female stuff I like is really limited to high quality kink porn (really anything Tristan Taormino has directed) so with normal vanilla girl-on-girl stuff I'd almost certainly be completely turned off. It's not because I don't like women. I primarily fall in LOVE with women. The best sex I have ever had is with women. ALL of my primary relationships have been with women. But I am visually much more attracted to men.

I think many bisexual people identify this way - romantically more attracted to one gender, sexually more attracted to the other. That doesn't make us not bi (or pansexual, or omnisexual etc). It just makes us complex - like all humans.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Support

My Dad had a major illness scare this week. Without going into a lot of details, the basic issues are this: Dad has had cancer in the past, they found a new tumor, they took it out, it turned out to be benign. It was a scary week, and recovery from the surgery will take quite awhile, but he's going to be okay.

The reason why this belongs on the blog is that I have been posting to my friends on twitter about this all week, and the support I have gotten there has been enormous. I was really scared by this whole situation (Dad is only 60, and I love him a lot) and talking about it there and seeing the supportive tweets come back was really important to me.

My parents found out I was kinky when I was a teenager, and they FREAKED OUT. When I was 18 I told them it was a phase and I'm over it.... and as far as they know that is still the case.

Today I saw not one or two, but a 14 kinksters responded to my message announcing that the tumor was benign. All of them were supportive, knowing how important this news was to my family. Most were people I know well in the non-digital world.

When my parents found out I was interested in kink as a teenager, they thought I would connect with people who were a danger to me. Instead, I have connected with people who care deeply not only about myself, but about my whole family.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Talking to the kids

One of the big struggles that families have to deal with is talking to their kids about issues of sex and relationships. When the family in question doesn't look like most families (such as those who are in same sex relationships, or polyamorous) this can be particularly complicated. Deciding when and how to discuss these issues with kids is really hard.

Right now my family is struggling with that. My boyfriend's son is 4, and starting to become aware of my place in the family. He's too young to understand about sex and romantic love, but he knows I'm close with his parents in a way that isn't like their other friends. He recently called me "Daddy's special best friend" and when asked who the people in his family are, he included me (as well as the dogs).

In most situations there'd be no need to say anything. He already "gets" it on the level he needs to at his age, and we would answer any questions he had as they came up. We'd probably start talking about LGBT issues a bit as he enters kindergarten this fall, and not worry a whole lot.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend, like many people, has fundamentalist Catholic parents who are going to make this difficult for us. His father will not only freak out if he discovers his son is bisexual and non-monogamous, he will also pull out all of his support for the family (much of which is financial right now) and will probably try to seek custody of the kid, declaring both my boyfriend and his wife unfit parents. Such a custody dispute would not succeed, but he'd try and it would be terribly stressful.

It's just one more way religious fundamentalism complicates the lives of those of us in sexual minority groups. We want this child raised in an accepting environment where his questions can be answered openly and honestly. We want him to be able to be close with all of us. But instead we have to pull back, and hide things from him. The damage that could be done by the babble of a four year old is enormous.

Eventually he will be able to understand ideas about privacy and "things we don't tell Grandma and Grandpa" and such. But for now, it's just frustrating.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Rebecca Watson is my hero!

I posted some stuff about my thoughts about privilege and stuff previously here.

That being said, Rebecca Watson from Skepchick has posted a follow up video. It is awesome, and I HAD to link to it here.

The video is here