Here is a doozy for you all! How shall I define sex (the verb) on this blog?
Honestly, I have never heard a good definition for sex. I think the definitions vary quite widely from person to person to be really useful. While I think that most people can agree that the penetration of a penis into a vagina to the point of one or more orgasms is sex, beyond that there seems to be serious questions. Is penetration without orgasm sex? Is anal penetration sex? Is fellatio sex, or cunnilingus, or penetration with a toy or oral sex on a toy or handjobs or...
I personally use a pretty broad definition of sex in my own life, but I feel that for a scientific blog it is crucial to use clearly defined terms.
So for the sake of this blog, I will make a serious effort to be clear about the kind of sex I am discussing here whenever possible. If I am unclear, please let me know so I can clarify. If the type of sex being discussed in a study or on some other source is not clarified, I will try to point this out (and will likely be generally annoyed by the lack of specificity).
How do you define sex?
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A year or so ago, @minduck and I started having debates whenever we had a long drive. I would start out with, "So, what are our current individual definitions of sex, and where did we stop last time?" Then, we'd start debating again. After several months, I think we came up with, "Sex is defined as any encounter in which one partner is attempting to bring another partner or themselves to orgasm."
ReplyDeleteI wanted to make this a single-directional concept because we both said that there were times when we felt like another person was trying to have sex with us, but we weren't trying to have sex with that person. But, I think we decided that it counts as sex for both partners.
The word "attempting" is important, as we believe intent is crucial when determining what is or is not sex. For example, everyone knows people who cannot orgasm, or does not orgasm easily. Does that mean they can't have sex? Of course not! So, if their partner intends to bring them to orgasm, that's sex. If they masturbate but do not orgasm, that's sex. If they idly brush their sexual organs without intent, that's not sex.
What he said, except for when talking to others it may be better for us to say, "intent to cause pleasure" or something to that effect instead of using the word orgasm. I dunno. Also like he said, we're constantly evolving our definition whenever the fancy strikes us or the need arises.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we determine sex on a case by case basis.
I do want to correct one thing...I don't necessarily see masturbation as sex. Even mutual masturbation. It can be hot, certainly, but I see that more as friendly than having sex with another person. I rather see it as having sex with yourself, while another person has sex with themselves near you.
I have a problem with the intent towards orgasm though. In specific, I almost never orgasm with a partner, and have had relationships with people in the same situation. Therefore I have had many (in fact, most) sexual encounters in which there was no attempt on either of our part to bring the other to orgasm.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I find someone else's effort to get me off pretty frustrating. I would prefer that someone attempt to make me feel pleasure, which is REALLY different than trying to make me come.
Ah, Terri has gotten exactly to my point, and I should not be responding to posts this late at night apparently.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'll forgive you this once, Benny. ;)
ReplyDeleteI do think one important consideration, though, is that I think the definition of sex has to be a personal decision for each person or couple or group. So one thing that Jesse and I don't expect is that our working definition would work for everyone...it is just something for us to figure out, based on how we think and what we do.
We've both had sexual encounters where no orgasms were had, but I think what Jesse was trying to express was the intent was still there. Not that orgasm is the only goal or that it is a failed encounter without it, but that you want the other person to experience the utmost pleasure they are able to experience, in whatever way is appropriate for that person.