Science Based Sex

Rules vs Boundaries

2012-01-25T23:47:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to write a post about the difference between rules and boundaries in a polyamorous relationship. Then Tacit did it for me, much better than I could have. Go read it here.

An additional note here: Read the comments. There is a REALLY interesting discussion in there about STI testing issues and several other good comments in there!

Bisexual men are real!

2011-08-23T18:44:00.003-07:00

I cannot stop laughing about this study. Apparently I, and my boyfriend, are real.

Actually - my boyfriend would not have qualified for this study. He has only had one sexual relationship with a woman - the woman he married and is still in a happy marriage to. They would probably not qualify me as a man for the purposes of the study, since I was born female. But still, I find it an amusing study anyway.

Upon thinking further though, I found myself annoyed about the methods used. This writeup gives a little more detail, and I have some concerns.

Reactions to pornography really isn't necessarily the best way to show someone's sexual response to certain genders. I would probably show up on this test as completely gay, since I primarily look at/respond to male only porn. The female stuff I like is really limited to high quality kink porn (really anything Tristan Taormino has directed) so with normal vanilla girl-on-girl stuff I'd almost certainly be completely turned off. It's not because I don't like women. I primarily fall in LOVE with women. The best sex I have ever had is with women. ALL of my primary relationships have been with women. But I am visually much more attracted to men.

I think many bisexual people identify this way - romantically more attracted to one gender, sexually more attracted to the other. That doesn't make us not bi (or pansexual, or omnisexual etc). It just makes us complex - like all humans.

Support

2011-08-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

My Dad had a major illness scare this week. Without going into a lot of details, the basic issues are this: Dad has had cancer in the past, they found a new tumor, they took it out, it turned out to be benign. It was a scary week, and recovery from the surgery will take quite awhile, but he's going to be okay.

The reason why this belongs on the blog is that I have been posting to my friends on twitter about this all week, and the support I have gotten there has been enormous. I was really scared by this whole situation (Dad is only 60, and I love him a lot) and talking about it there and seeing the supportive tweets come back was really important to me.

My parents found out I was kinky when I was a teenager, and they FREAKED OUT. When I was 18 I told them it was a phase and I'm over it.... and as far as they know that is still the case.

Today I saw not one or two, but a 14 kinksters responded to my message announcing that the tumor was benign. All of them were supportive, knowing how important this news was to my family. Most were people I know well in the non-digital world.

When my parents found out I was interested in kink as a teenager, they thought I would connect with people who were a danger to me. Instead, I have connected with people who care deeply not only about myself, but about my whole family.

Talking to the kids

2011-07-24T07:34:00.000-07:00

One of the big struggles that families have to deal with is talking to their kids about issues of sex and relationships. When the family in question doesn't look like most families (such as those who are in same sex relationships, or polyamorous) this can be particularly complicated. Deciding when and how to discuss these issues with kids is really hard.

Right now my family is struggling with that. My boyfriend's son is 4, and starting to become aware of my place in the family. He's too young to understand about sex and romantic love, but he knows I'm close with his parents in a way that isn't like their other friends. He recently called me "Daddy's special best friend" and when asked who the people in his family are, he included me (as well as the dogs).

In most situations there'd be no need to say anything. He already "gets" it on the level he needs to at his age, and we would answer any questions he had as they came up. We'd probably start talking about LGBT issues a bit as he enters kindergarten this fall, and not worry a whole lot.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend, like many people, has fundamentalist Catholic parents who are going to make this difficult for us. His father will not only freak out if he discovers his son is bisexual and non-monogamous, he will also pull out all of his support for the family (much of which is financial right now) and will probably try to seek custody of the kid, declaring both my boyfriend and his wife unfit parents. Such a custody dispute would not succeed, but he'd try and it would be terribly stressful.

It's just one more way religious fundamentalism complicates the lives of those of us in sexual minority groups. We want this child raised in an accepting environment where his questions can be answered openly and honestly. We want him to be able to be close with all of us. But instead we have to pull back, and hide things from him. The damage that could be done by the babble of a four year old is enormous.

Eventually he will be able to understand ideas about privacy and "things we don't tell Grandma and Grandpa" and such. But for now, it's just frustrating.

Rebecca Watson is my hero!

2011-07-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

I posted some stuff about my thoughts about privilege and stuff previously here.

That being said, Rebecca Watson from Skepchick has posted a follow up video. It is awesome, and I HAD to link to it here.

The video is here

I don't always ageplay

2011-07-17T15:10:00.001-07:00

I had 2 different people ask me today if I was okay - both noticed that I didn't spend any time in the "Little's Room" at MTKF (other than the classes I went to and taught in there) and were wondering if there was a problem.

I reassured both of them - I'm FINE, there isn't a problem, and I appreciated the concern but I had reasons for doing other things this weekend.

This startled me though. I don't want to be known as "just an ageplayer" in exactly the same reasons some of my friends who do rope work don't want to be known as "just a rigger." Many kinksters have a wide range of interests, and may sometimes spend a whole weekend/event/month/relationship doing things OTHER than the kind of play that we are best known for.

For ME, I spent the weekend doing more classic BDSM play instead of ageplay because I attended the event with my boyfriend and my play partner (his wife) and neither of them are ageplayers. This was their first event, and we wanted to play together, learn together, and watch other people play together.

I did spend a some time with my Big this weekend, but even that time was MOSTLY spent not ageplaying. She and I do other stuff too (lots of things) and the small amount of ageplay we DID do was in private.

I'm REALLY glad I did this. I didn't feel that my ageplay-side was neglected. I was getting other needs met, connecting with my family, and learning a ton of new things.

So please remember - when you think of someone as being closely identified with one particular fetish, it doesn't mean they can't spend awhile doing other things. Many of us who are generally known for one fetish also have other interests, and may want to spend some time focused on those.

2011-07-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe I'm not at TAM. I cannot believe I'm not at TAM. Holy FUCK why am I not at TAM?!?

Respect Matters

2011-07-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

Recently my dear friend SherynB wrote a post on FetLife titled "Assent Matters". Go read it.

The Consent Counts campaign from the NCSF is ACTUALLY about decriminalizing BDSM practices, but it has led to a lot of discussion about consent and abuse issues in kinky communities and relationships.

Discussing consent is a good thing, a necessary thing. Facing the VERY REAL issues of rape and abuse in a BDSM context is not happening in a constructive way in many places, and that is a problem. Too many people (with a wide range of kink interests and orientations) are being pressured into doing things they don't want to do, being outright forced, and being belittled for having limits. This MUST stop. And furthermore, the community must stop defending the perpetrators of these crimes.

At the same time, the idea that it is acceptable to consent/assent to an act and then change your mind LATER and claim it was non-consensual when there was no attempt to make this clear at the time is ALSO not acceptable. Every person in a scene, relationship, or play space has a responsibility for their own limits. They MUST voice them when appropriate. It is never okay to assume that anyone but ourselves can know what those limits are without being told.

I argue this: For both consent to count and assent to matter, respect must be at the core of all kinky and sexual interactions. We MUST respect our play partners and sexual partners enough to ask for clear consent. We MUST respect them enough that when we GIVE our consent we stick to it. We must respect those around us enough to communicate with open honesty, and to play within the bounds of that which has been communicated. To do otherwise is to treat those play partners as things, not as people.

We also must respect ourselves. I believe that a lot of the miss-communications about these issues come from deep shame about the things we do, the things we like, and the things that get us off. Respect for self means learning to be comfortable with our own desires.

Those who are not mature enough to respect fully those they play with and fuck are not adult enough to swim in the deep end. Get back in the kiddie pool.

Privilege and Invisible Minority

2011-07-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

Those of you already steeped in the world of the skeptical or atheist blogs are probably already aware of Richard Dawkins' recent boneheaded inability to recognize his own (rich, white, male) privilege. If you're not already up to speed I recommend these links.

For the record, I agree completely with Rebecca, PZ, Dr. Plait, and many other smart people on this. Dawkins is wrong. But that's not the point of this blog post, because that perspective has been done to death already.

I have a strange relationship with male privilege. From the outside, from a perspective of someone who has met me within the last few years, I'm a straight white male. This is the persona I live in at work, at the grocery store, and even to some degree in the skeptical community. I LOOK that way outwardly. But in reality I'm anything but - I was born female, I grew up in a multi-racial family (but I am white), and I'm very much not straight.

So how do I react when something like the current situation happens in a community I care about and identify with? Honestly, my first impulse is as that of a sexual assault survivor. I am a sexual assault survivor. The details of those stories are not needed here, but suffice it to say that it is an important part of my history. After that my impulse is actually that of a woman - I lived as a girl long enough (19 years) to have a strong sense of how the world feels to women on a day to day basis. After that it is as a queer person (been out for 18 years now). Also, while my own genetic heritage is partly unknown, I do appear white. My siblings, however, are black. I was raised in a very multiracial family, and this impacts my view of the world enormously. Has your family ever had service refused to them in a restaurant? Mine has.

But I also know that when I go to work, the grocery store, and when I walk into a skeptics group am viewed as a straight white male. While I am not straight, and have worked hard to be viewed as male, and have lived in a multiracial family, no one can tell this by looking at me. I am acutely aware of this fact, and it makes me uncomfortable.

Also, the privilege of wealth? For me that one is the opposite of the others. I grew up wealthy (the house I was raised in has 7 bedrooms for a family of 5), but as an adult have been as poor as a person can be in the united states. I have been homeless, have used food pantries more than a few times, and spent the better part of a decade paying off medical bills.

All of this is here to say simply that I struggle a lot with ideas about privilege. I KNOW when I walk into a the bar of some random hotel that I won't accidentally end up in an uncomfortable situation where someone is hitting on me in the elevator afterward. I also know exactly how scary that situation is, because I have been in similar ones in the past.

I don't know how to resolve these issues exactly. But I do know that Rebecca Watson has, and deserves, my full support. And Dawkins is full of shit.

Even on fetlife...

2011-06-26T01:41:00.001-07:00

I recently ran across a very popular image on fetlife (visible only if you have an account).

The huge number of people who did NOT read through the comments, nor consider the possibility of a natural explanation, is discouraging. However, the (almost certainly) correct explanation IS in there! A few readers spotted the correct reason for this stunning photo, and it lead me to read a whole bunch of info about Twilight phenomena and I intend to read even more in the future!

For me one of the only redeeming things about reading through nonsense, bullshit, and woo is that sometimes gems like this one come up. The occasionally lead to me learning about a whole new amazing thing in this world (or out of it).

We've lost the word "Woo"

2011-06-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

For a long time I thought "Woo" was a word only used by the skeptic community. But lately I've heard it used FAR more often by spiritual folks (exclusively the more left/liberal ones) than by skeptics.

What happens when the word that we use to refer those things that are not scientifically defensible becomes the word that the spiritual believers use for their own practices? Do we keep using it? Or does the change in the meaning actually take power from the word in the same way that the re-embracing of the word "queer" has?

I'm not sure of the answer, but I have not heard the skeptical community discuss this at all. Perhaps too many of the well-known skeptics are too protected from the new-age world to have noticed, but I see it daily.

Question of the week #5

2011-05-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

How do you define "dating?" What activities would you call a date, and at what point in a relationship would you say you are dating?

Question of the week #4

2011-05-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

If given an all-expenses paid scholarship to any conference/convention you choose, what one would you pick? A sexual/relationship related con? A sci-fi con? A skeptics con? Something else?

Travel Travel Travel

2011-05-02T12:07:00.001-07:00

I went to Minneapolis this past week to teach one of my classes ("40 Going on 4: An Intro to Ageplay") at the Smitten Kitten on Sunday evening. I also got to check out a few of the city's gay bars, meet up with some of my favorite podcasters, stay with a one fun kinky friend, and visit with a great friend from childhood.

For the next 6 weekends, I am traveling and/or teaching for all of them. I will be at various events in Michigan, Wisconsin, Illinois, Minnesota, and Indiana all in the next 6 weeks. This is why I am not attending school this summer!

One of the things I observed this weekend sort of startled me. I have begun to feel like this is my REAL life. My day job, which takes up far more of my actual HOURS than my kinky/sex educator life, doesn't feel like reality in the same way. It feels like a dentist visit - something I know I should do, but dread. Unlike I dentist visit, it takes up an enormous amount of time. We've been on overtime for 7 months, and MANDATORY overtime for a bit more than 3 months now. So I'm spending at least 45 hours a week working, plus lunch an commute time - basically I'm barely trudging through the bulk of my week.

It's not that my job is that bad. I work for a big insurance company, so it's not physical labor or outdoors, it pays well, the benefits are great (including tuition) and it's union. But I HATE the cubicle lifestyle, I don't like my co-workers or supervisor, etc.

The weekends though? The teaching, the people I get to meet, all of that is great. It's far more work and stress than my day job, but it's also far more rewarding. I feel exhausted when I come home from a travel event, and that exhaustion is a relief.

Because this kind of education and activity is so good for me, I want to blog here more. So I'm going to at least put up updates of the various places I go and what I've been up to, even if it's not science related. :)

Quickie!

2011-04-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Teen Fakes Pregnancy

While her methodology isn't perfect, I think this is a really good example of a teenager having the guts, will, and follow through to both learn and teach an important lesson. This kid, and her boyfriend, deserve a standing ovation!

Primary Care Protocol for Transgender Patient Care

2011-04-17T14:16:00.001-07:00

The Center of Excellence for Transgender Health has created a really wonderful set of guidelines for medical professionals who work with, or find themselves working with, transgender patients. It is called the Primary Care Protocol for Transgender Patient Care.

I read through, much, but not all of this stuff yet. I'll get through the rest, but I'm extremely happy with what I see here. They seem to have done a very good job of covering a wide range of the issues that come up in treating transgender patients, and a ton of this stuff is things I intend to print out and give to medical professionals I see in the future.

I recommend this resource for all gender-variant patients to have available for medical and psychiatric providers they deal with in their care. Often providers will have a much easier time learning from these sorts of documents, rather than the patient themselves.

Question of the week #3

2011-04-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

How long does it take you to adjust to having your life change due to the ending of a relationship? What aspects of your life change, and how to you help yourself adjust to them? Have you found that certain changes are harder to make than others?

Question of the week #2

2011-03-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

Another question for you folks!

If you are aware of a person who has a history of boundary crossing, disrespecting consent issues, sexual assault, or rape, do you feel it is your responsibility to be vocal about this history? Under what circumstances, if any, would you draw attention to this person's behavior? Who would you tell, and how?

Question of the week #1

2011-03-17T18:37:00.001-07:00

I'm going to try to start posting a question of the week her, and answer it myself when I post the next question.

So here's the one for this week:

To what degree does body weight impact your sexual interest in other people? Is it important to you or no? Why or why not?

Alt med in emergency situations

2011-02-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

So I'm a Wisconsin resident (have been my whole life), a voter, a taxpayer, and a union member. I'm a member of UFCW local 1444.

It cannot have escaped your notice that collective bargaining is under attack in Wisconsin. As a union member, a liberal, and a working-class dude I'm enormously opposed to the union busting bill before our state government. But this post isn't about that.

It's about the danger of alternative medicine, believe it or not.

One of the parts of the protests here is that a large group of people have been occupying the Capitol building for 11 days now. Not everyone has been staying the whole time, but there has always been at least a few hundred people at all times. During the day thousands of people come to the capitol, and last weekend between 60 and 100 thousand people showed up (the reports vary based on the bias of the media in question). I expect tomorrow (Saturday Feb 26th) to be similar.

So as the occupation of the capitol continues, some infrastructure is being set up. With the exception of security this infrastructure is built completely by those participating in the protests. Generally this works out pretty well - the food area is stocked sort of randomly, but people are getting fed. The family/childrens area and parental respite zone seem to be working out fine as far as I can tell. The groups organizing peaceful protest workshops/discussions are VERY well trained and are doing a great job.

But... the medics. See, when you have a crowd this big, and especially in a situation that could potentially become suddenly dangerous, you need to have a good, organized medical squad. It should be comprised of people with official first aid training, and ideally EMTs, nurses, and doctors if possible. They should have the knowledge to deal with minor problems, and also serious injuries. Gunshot wounds, serious falls, and other injuries are all real (but unlikely) possibilities in this kind of situation. They should have, or at least be seeking, the equipment necessary to deal with a serious injury, and communication systems to get in touch with the needed support as fast as possible.

Instead, the medical area is staffed by herbalists, accupressureists, and massage therapists. I'm not kidding. I have a Red Cross Heartsaver certification up to date, and my first aid skills are pretty good. But after an hour and a half of sitting with these folks in their "organization" meeting, I gave up. They did have one retired licensed practical nurse in the group, and one person with a current wilderness first responder certification, so that's much better than nothing - but this group of 11 could not find their ass with both hands in terms of organization techniques. After that hour and half of trying to get to the point of actually organizing anything, I gave up, told them this wasn't the mission I was looking for, and I wished them luck and left.

The thing is, the massage, accupressure, and similar alt-med stuff is probably useful for helping people calm down and decrease the stress of being in a situation like this occupation. It probably helps for the headaches that come with listening to people yell all day, and the muscle pain that accompanies being on your feet carrying a sign for long periods of time. Not because alt-med works, but because anything that gets you sitting, calm, and focused on something other than the politics for awhile is good for bringing the stress level down. But for emergency situations and real medical situations, this stuff is absolutely useless.

Luckily this protest is taking place in the middle of a city, close to 3 hospitals, and in the presence of dozens of police officers with good communications systems. Otherwise, this situation would worry me a lot more. And if a real situation comes up, I hope someone with real first aid training will take over.

Best Etsy Listing Ever

2011-02-10T17:48:00.000-08:00

Hands down, without a doubt, the BEST listing on Etsy ever:

Science Valentines

Carry on.

Sex workers are people too

2011-01-26T10:00:00.000-08:00

I LOVE this ad campaign! Sex Workers Are People Too

What I like about it is that they are humanizing the sex trade in the most blatant way possible. It's VERY in your face, which is honestly sometimes the only way to get people's attention. I think it still manages it without "being a dick" though, because it's about humanizing, and not calling out anyone person/group of people as a problem.

It'll be interesting to see if it works to help bring down the violence against sex workers in that area.

Opening a door

2011-01-05T20:44:00.001-08:00

One of the hardest things we do in our romantic and sexual lives is opening doors to people. Some people call it "hitting on" someone, but I really hate that term because it sounds so violent - as if asking someone for an intimate connection is an assault. I tend to invite people in, and for me the visualization of an open door, an invitation, is very real.

But either way, no matter how you look at it, the process of pursuing someone with a romantic, sexual, or kink intention is intimidating. Some people are good at it - some people are bad at it, and many don't try at all.

The reason people don't try often seems the same to me - the fear of rejection is really intense. It holds us back from having the things we really want, because often the idea of asking for something and being told "no" is much worse than not having it because you didn't ask. At least when you haven't asked the hope is always there.

I learned a long time ago that the occasional "yes" makes the frequent "no" responses worth it. This has not decreased the fear much for me though. I am still scared every time I ask someone to date me, to play with me, or to sleep with me.

The thing I've learned recently is that, for me, getting no response is worse than hearing "no." Waiting, with the door open... Watching it as I wait for them to walk through... that hurts more than any rejection ever could. I waste time, hoping for an answer. When, in the end, no answer comes at all the real questions start: Is it because they think I can't handle it? Is it because they don't know how to tell me I'm too ugly/fat/old/young etc. for them? Did they misunderstand me? Should I say something again, or is that creepy?

It can take me a long time to recover from this drawn-out type of rejection. When a "no" answer comes along promptly I can move on with my life, even if it hurts for awhile. The waiting open door is a wound much harder to heal.

Makin' it PERSONAL

2010-12-04T21:28:00.001-08:00

So I'd originally intended to make this blog very research heavy and spend a lot of time talking about news-worthy scientific and sexy topics. I also intended to spend a lot of time debunking nonsense in the sex positive communities I move in.

I did not intend for this blog to be very personal. It was no supposed to be a record of my own sexual journey.

But as you can see, I don't update all that often. Mostly this is because I have a lot of things I've taken on (day job, school, podcast, business, event organizing, and many others) and so the research time needed to make this blog what I had intended simply isn't there right now.

So I'm going to start posting some more personal stuff here. It's still a blog on sexuality from the perspective of a skeptic! I am still going to post fun science themed posts, and even hopefully many of those more in-depth posts I'd intended to do. But in addition I'll be posting more of my own personal journey stuff.

Hope that works out for y'all.

I'm on Ropecast!

2010-11-07T13:19:00.001-08:00

Looking to hear more from me? I was interviewed for the most recent episode of Graydancer's Ropecast. Check it out if you're into rope, bondage, kinky sex, and all the "pussy drenched cock waving orgasmic sex you can handle."

I'll also soon be taking over the Young and Kinky podcast for at least the spring semester. I'll post more details here as soon as I actually pick that up and make it happen (soon I promise).

Holiday Music

2010-11-03T21:51:00.001-07:00

The holidays are coming, and I'm looking to build a good nerd-rock and non-religious friendly playlist to keep my sanity amongst all of the redundant Christmas music this holiday season.

Here's the thing - I like Christmas. I'm an atheist, but I have REALLY good associations with the traditions of the holiday, and it's a very happy season for me with my family. So really negative songs don't cut it for me. Funny is great! Sentimental but non-religious is good too.

Here's what I have so far:
Chiron Beta Prime - Jonathan Coulton
White Wine In The Sun - Tim Minchin
The Night Santa Went Crazy - Weird Al

More suggestions please!

Quickie!

2010-10-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

NPR did a story today on a transwoman running for office in California: From 'Secret Life' To Public Service

I want to point something out about this story: They did it right. They used the correct pronouns at the right times, they respected the woman the story was about, and they even used the phrase "sex reassignment surgery" instead of "sex change."

Go NPR. Keep up the good journalism work.

Note: Compare this to the work done over at Huffington Post on my previous post here.

The Culture of Ignorance

2010-10-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

I was listening the other day to an NPR show on "Reconsidering the 'Culture of Poverty.'" I enjoyed some of the thoughts on the show, but it got me thinking about something else that interests me more: What behaviors perpetuate a culture of ignorance?

When I was working for Wal-Mart (back in 2002-2003 for about 9 months) I used to sit in the breakroom on my breaks and lunch and read novels. Nothing particularly advanced, but this is how I managed to get through the Lord of the Rings trilogy which I found tedious and boring, but not nearly as tedious and boring as trying to have any sort of conversation with my coworkers. A few times during my months there I was asked by co-workers "Why are you reading?" This question drove me bananas and it's a big part of why I left that job and I'm glad I did because it helped me get out of poverty and into a good job (which I still have now, nearly 7 years later).

Growing up I was constantly hassled for being eloquent and enjoying learning. I was teased far more about liking science than I was about being gay (yes, I was out in middle school and high school). My brother and sister were harassed for being intelligent as well, and they got it much worse than me because they're both biracial and many people assumed this meant they shouldn't enjoy learning. Luckily my brother and sister had a much easier time in high school - we went to public schools until high school, then very good private high schools.

I still have co-workers who value formal and self-education less than I do, but it's much easier in a job that actually requires SOME skills and knowledge to do. However, in the dating world I still run into a lot of proud ignorance, and the occasional person who doesn't understand why I would spend my weekends and free time LEARNING stuff. One guy I was chatting with recently asked "Don't you ever relax?" I said "Yeah, learning about science and sexuality and astronomy are relaxing for me." He simply couldn't get it.

I don't know how to cure an adult of this culture of ignorance, but I do think that preventing bullying is as important of saving our kids' brains as it is for saving their lives. The bullying I went through was certainly related to my eventually being expelled from high school and not going to college until my late 20s, and I hate to think of other enthusiastic learners being chased out of learning by bullies.

Strong Female Character

2010-10-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

A friend linked me to this flowchart from Jezebel today. I REALLY love visual data displays (I will probably link to a few others in the future) and even the joke ones amuse me.

Can you think of your favorite characters and feed them through this flowchart? I thought of a few and followed them through... the only one I could think of that fell on "strong female character" was Katniss from "The Hunger Games" and she actually ends up there even whether or not you decide she's a "three dimensional character" which was my only real question. But every* other female character that I like and I could think of landed as a trope somewhere.

What about you?

And if anyone can find a male version of something like this I'd love it. Tropes are not limited to females!

*Ok, I only tried 5.

Quickie!

2010-10-10T07:53:00.001-07:00

Sex Pill Surprise: Women Treated With Placebo Reported Improvement

Surprise? Really? Terrible headline writing. I doubt this was a surprise to anyone but I'm sure the drug researchers SAID it was a surprise since they probably wanted to get something out of this research.

But really, talking about sex improves your sex life. NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

Quickie!

2010-10-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

Afghan Boys Are Prized, So Girls Live the Part

I find this article really disturbing. I hate the idea that having sons as vital to one's social standing, I hate the idea of being made to live in a gender role that one is not choosing for themselves (afterall, I did that for 18 years), and I hate all of the inequality that leads to this sort of thing.

I also have a question that this article did not answer: what happens to these girls when they grow up? Do they "switch back" as they become adults? I imagine that would be a hard/uncomfortable thing to explain to people. Also, the experience of being socialized as the gender you will live in as an adult is not essential, but it certainly has a huge impact on your life (well, my life).

Science is skepticism, skepticism is science

2010-10-05T20:21:00.001-07:00

I've been noticing on a few blogs I read a certain amount of "This is a science blog, stop talking about vaccines!" and also "This is a skeptical blog, stop talking about science!" These comments drive me crazy.

I don't really see a difference between good science and good skepticism - they both are a belief that the scientific process is our best way of getting to truth. The greater our scientific understanding of the world, the better we can be at spotting and avoiding logical mistakes. The better we are at identifying fallacy the better science we can do.

I skipped sex for astronomy!

2010-10-03T12:13:00.001-07:00

I had a guy come visit from IL this weekend. He's a sweet boy and VERY new to kink, and we had a good time Friday night and during the day on Saturday. He was supposed to stay Saturday night, but...

Instead I attended my first star party last night, in Delevan with the Women Thinking Freely group from Chicago. I heard about it on skepchick and the ticket price was $75 so I definitely couldn't go. BUT I posted my disappointment about my lack of funds in the comments, and Saturday morning one of the women in charge of it emailed me and said they had a scholarship ticket available and since no women had asked for it (it's a women's group after all) I could have it if I still wanted to go.

I told Cody (the guy visiting) "Oh darn, I would have liked to do that but we'll have fun anyway" and he told me I should go and he'd head home early. Actually, he kind of pressured me about it, and I responded to the email and said I'd love to go and I'd get there a little late (around 7).

So I left town at close to 6pm after seeing Cody off and checking in on Peter's dogs who I was watching for the weekend. Then I drove to Delevan using the GPS on my brand new Android phone (which is fucking awesome). It only took an hour (Yes, I speed a little) and the sky was mostly cloudy as I drove. I know non-astronomers probably don't think about this a whole lot, but clouds are the mortal enemy of stargazers. No telescope, knowledge, or experience will let a person on the ground see the stars through a cloud.

So I got to the little camping area we were going to be at. The party had actually started at 3pm and everyone had dinner already but I'd eaten so I just had a beer and chatted with people for awhile. Almost everyone there was from Chicago, and the women outnumbered the men which is really different from how most science nerd things go, and I liked it this way. I'm way more socially comfortable with women than guys anyway. I got to FINALLY meet Dr. Pamela Gay after listening to her AstronomyCast for about 2 years now.

Dr. Gay is a skeptic, a professional astronomer, and a professor at Southern Illinois University (near St Louis). She is an extraordinary teacher, and is enthusiastic about teaching amateurs and enthusiasts. She really focuses on citizen science projects, such as Galaxy Zoo. She was ultra friendly to me and to everyone else there and patiently and clearly answered a question that's been buzzing around my head for awhile now (about how temperature in matter movement and temperature in infrared light are related).

About a half hour after I arrived we piled into cars (a nice woman from the group drove me) and we drove about 20 more minutes to the Yerkes Observatory which is property of the University of Chicago, but is located in Delevan because it's got nice clear dark skies. The Observatory isn't really doing research anymore, but it's a valuable outreach and educational tool, so yay!

The best part was this - as we drove to the observatory the skies completely cleared up. Not a single cloud was left behind after that 20 minute drive. It was beautifully cloudless, dark, and amazing. Everyone kept commenting all night on how lucky we were - this was IDEAL stargazing weather!

We started out in the big field in front of the building. It never occurred to me that it would make sense for an Observatory to have a big empty field in front of it, but this was a really good layout. The guy who was doing our tour took us out into the field and talked us through some of the basics of stargazing (averted vision, how to find the north star, the difference between consolations and asterisms, finding the Milky Way) and then also helped point out some things that were brand new to me, like how to find the Andromeda Galaxy and the star Arcturus.

Then we went inside the observatory and got a tour. We talked about the sizes of various telescopes compared to the ones there, and about the difference between reflective and refractive telescopes. Then they took us to see the big 40 inch refractor telescope that was built in the late 19th century. It has an AMAZING 73 foot diameter elevator floor. I didn't really know anything about observatories before this tour, and the elevator floors are a wonderful idea but totally new to me. This one was huge and has lasted a long time. The telescope is huge. The dome is huge. I was completely in awe. This is a telescope Einstein has posed for pictures in front of. It's a telescope REAL amazing discoveries were made on. Very cool.

Then we walked through the observatory looking at what is left of their book collection (University of Chicago has moved most of it elsewhere) and some other older research areas. Then we went to the 24 inch telescope dome, which is MUCH newer than the 40 inch (though I didn't catch when it was put in). But since only a small group can go in at a time (elevator floors have limits) I was in the group that waited outside for about a half hour and chatted with Dr. Gay. This was SUPER useful to me because I have had that question about temperature bumping around my head for awhile and she answered it for me during this time and that was fantastic! Other questions were asked too, and we had a good discussion about using metaphors to describe the expansion of the universe (balloons vs. raisin bread etc).

Then we got to go into the new dome with the modern 24 inch scope. It has a finicky elevator floor, but a nice smoothly rolling dome and a big 24 inch diameter telescope. They showed us 3 objects through the telescope: M13, Andromeda Galaxy (now the furthest away thing I have ever seen with my own eyes), and Jupiter. The 4 major moons were SUPER bright and unbelievably easy to see and recognize. I'd not seen them before myself, so this was pretty cool. Also, some of the banding on Jupiter was visible quite obviously. All of the objects we saw were awesome!

THEN we headed back to the campground. It was only 11pm when we got there and the sky was still perfectly clear and beautiful! We sat around a campfire, chatted about all kinds of stuff. I met a ton of amazing people and a few seemed surprised to hear that anyone had come from Madison which amused me because Madison is only an hour away! Delevan is nearly the half way point between Madison and Chicago if you take a direct route. Also my blog came up a few times and it turns out that a few people had actually seen it (which is part of why I will be updating more often in the near future).

Also, my status as a transman came up pretty soon after we got back (it's not like I hide it) and Dr. Gay told a very funny story about her first interaction with a transman. It was totally appropriate and polite, but quite funny and made me like her even more.

Then we all sat around the fire eating some munchies and drinking mulled wine (although I was not drinking due to having to drive home soon) and chatting about astronomy and skepticism. We talked about the geocentrists for awhile, and about women in sciences and how they differ from men and differ from other women. Another very cool astronomy teacher there named Matt (didn't catch his last name sorry!) showed some of us how to make starfinders with a kit he'd brought and I made mine (yay arts and crafts!) and I'm sure I'll get tons of use out of it since I lost my last one at Twisted Tryst in June. Dr. Gay also showed us how to use them properly, which will help me a lot because I was doing it wrong with my last one! Also around the first while the more experienced astronomy folks and Dr. Gay and Matt showed us some neat new stuff on the sky we saw a nice bright meteor which just sort of seemed to top off the awesome night for me.

We sat around the fire until Orion had risen pretty high in the sky, talking, and learning to how spot new objects. At 2 am I started saying my goodbyes to very cool fokls, and thanked the event organizers for welcoming me and thanked Dr. Gay and Matt for being fantastic teachers. Finally, I turned my phone back on, set my GPS, and headed home. I let Peter's dogs out and changed over my laundry, and crashed into my bed at just before 4am.

I skipped a night of play and sex with a new sweet guy for a star party. And I don't regret it one bit. He's a nice boy and I think he'll be coming back, but my opportunity for this party was a one time thing and I'm REALLY glad I did it.

Quickie!

2010-08-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

Traditional Marriage Perverts the Tradition of Marriage is a really good article going over (in broad strokes, not detail) the history of marriage, and why the idea of claiming "traditional marriage" as a reason for banning same-sex marriage is silly.

I highly recommend it.

Flexibility in Sexuality

2010-08-07T20:41:00.001-07:00

Many in the sex positive community have known about the changes that can happen in someone's sexual identity for a long time. Dan Savage has talked for a long time about this, especially in relation to changes in women's sexuality. In my own community people don't react strongly when a person's idenity changes - someone decides they're gay now? Or bi? Or they're a switch instead of a submissive? Or they decide to change gender? Generally amongst people who are sex positive this is not a shock, or a big deal.

But of course in popular culture it's a HUGE deal when a person's life and lifestyle changes. People often assume that if someone starts a same-sex relationship that this means they have ALWAYS been gay, and were just "hiding" or "lying" or "in the closet" before that. People rarely respond with "Well, people change" or even "I guess he's bisexual."

This is why I was so pleased to hear this bit on NPR today. Public radio is obviously speaking to an audience that is better educated and more liberal than the general american public, but it's still a mainstream media outlet and hearing this kind of coverage cheered me. Perhaps we will start to see more of this kind of coverage in the future.

I would like to see fluidity more embraced. I don't think that a change in a person's sexuality should mean that they must have a total change in their lives. A better understanding of fluidity may mean that people will have an easier time just being ourselves.

Quickie!

2010-07-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

You Are Sexually Attracted to Your Parents, and Yourself from WIRED.

This is an interesting study, but I really think the title should be "You are sexually attracted to people who look a little like your parents and yourself" because that would be more accurate. I think the evidence just doesn't show incestuous sexual interest, despite the over-reaching the researchers are doing. But read the article yourselves, and please let me know what you think.

Product Review - Zeta Paws/Zoofur.com

2010-07-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

I recently ordered a new dildo through Zoofur.com and received it in the mail today.

I didn't order one of the animal models, since that's not my thing. However, I did order the "Small John" human model which can be found here.

What I like about this dick: It's small, which is the whole reason I wanted it. The dimensions are exactly what I expected and wanted. It's balls are nicely sized, and in FRONT of the base instead of behind the harness ring which is amazing. The surface texture is soft and very pleasant to the touch - not smooth like most silicone dildos, but soft.

What I don't like about this dick: I ordered the flesh color, and it came pink. I really prefer a natural looking color, and this definitely isn't it. Also, the firmness is not great - I got medium because that's what the website recommends. Medium is pretty darned soft - I'm not sure I'll be able to reliably fuck with this, especially anal where there tends to be more resistance. I'll try, but I don't think I'll be able to do any hard fucking with it. I'd get "hard" next time.

Quickie!

2010-07-24T14:59:00.001-07:00

This article from Skepchick is awesome and you all should go read it. It's about word usage for genitals (mostly female genitals) and it's fantastic.

Quickie!

2010-07-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

Viagra-popping seniors lead the pack for STDs

This article is a classic "correlation does not equal causation" example, so I wanted to post it here. Basically, the article states that seniors using Viagra and other ED drugs have a higher rate of STDs, especially HIV, than their non-medicine using peers and that their rates are still a lot lower than younger people.

The study did not look at what risky behaviors might be the culprit here. I have some guesses, but they're not tested so take them with a grain of salt.

My primary guess is this: Men who are having sex with other men may feel a stronger pressure to get ED drugs than exclusively heterosexual men.

My reasoning: This may be due to comparing themselves to other men (in their age bracket or younger), an increased access to sex and therefore more motivation to get meds (gay/bi men have an easier time getting partners), or an increased comfort with their own sexuality (which often correlates with being out of the closet).

HIV still is a disease that is more common among men who have sex with men than exclusively heterosexual people, and that is even more true in older age groups. This is a big part of why I suspect that this may be related.

It would be really interesting to

Radical Inclusivity

2010-06-17T05:24:00.000-07:00

I'm about to head off for the weekend to Twisted Tryst (aka Spank Festival) for a long weekend. I've gone to this event many times before, and I really love it.

The moto of this event is that it is intended to be "radically inclusive." Basically this means that there are VERY few rules, and all types of people with all sorts of interests are welcome, and honestly, celebrated.

Sometimes "inclusive" means that people who are different are tolerated. Sometimes it means that a wide variety of interests are allowed, but there is still a list of forbidden activities, be they formally forbidden, or culturally not tolerated by the group. I'm sure Tryst has some cultural taboos, but every time I think there is one, I see someone break it.

Waterboarding? Sure. Running around for the whole weekend in diapers? No problem. Making someone puke? Just clean up after yourself. Girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on (inflatable) sheep?* Excellent.

Here's the question I have though: I also really like peership spaces (men's only, women's only, TNG only, etc). Those are sort of the opposite of this kind of radical inclusiveness, so why do I find value in both kinds of spaces?

*Cookies to those who caught the reference.

Quickie!

2010-06-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

There's some new research on the anatomy of the clitoris and possible connections to the G-spot that I found interesting. 2 blog posts to read:

Goodvibes.com article

Science Blogs article

I put a lot more stock in anatomical studies trying to figure out the G-spot issue, rather than surveys that ask people about their experiences, since sexual experience varies much more widely than anatomy does. This isn't conclusive, but it's a very interesting bit of research.

Huffington Post blows it again

2010-06-06T17:30:00.001-07:00

Transgender Men Go Topless At Delaware beach

Based on the description in the article, it seems likely that these people are more likely to be transwomen, rather than transgender men. I would be curious to ask the individuals in question themselves if they identify as transwomen, or as men who've had breast implants.

The Huffington Post has a very long history of extremely bad science reporting, and I'm saddened to see that this has stretched into breaking the most basic rules of reporting on transgender issues as well.

The Secret

2010-06-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard about "The Secret." In short, the basic idea is that if you think hard enough about something you want it will magically happen to you. It sounds to me like a pretty neat magical world to live in, but clearly it isn't true.

Getting what you want really does involve a lot more than that of course. In the real world we have to work for what we want. In sexuality, this often means ASKING for what we want.

A week ago I was at IML, and was surrounded by hundreds of gay and bi kinky men all weekend. I did not ask anyone to play or have sex with me, and I did not do any actual actions that would have significantly increased my chances of getting to play or getting laid. The result seems pretty obvious: I did not play, and I did not get laid. I certainly THOUGHT about it a lot (every time a hot shirtless leatherman walked past!) but thinking about it and wanting it isn't enough.

This past weekend I attended a different event called Tournament which is hosted by Knights of Leather in Minnesota. It is a pansexual event, and a very small number of gay and bi men attended this event (about 10 out of 100 attendees). At this event I did exactly the opposite of the previous weekend - I asked people to play. The result worked out much better: I got two excellent scenes with really hot men.

Despite the decreased "odds" (hundreds of queer men, compared to 10) MY behavior made a much bigger difference in the results I got.

In this way, kink and sex are much like everything else in the reality based world - Ask for what you want, and work to get it, and your chances increase substantially. Just stand around thinking about it? You'll go home lonely and unsatisfied.

Pelvic Break from Fisting?

2010-06-02T20:31:00.001-07:00

Graydancer was asking tonight about the possibilty of pelvic fractures due to vaginal fisting. My friend Annabelle is a math and science nerd, and current NASA intern, and she decided to get on the case! The following is a (slightly edited) email from her on the issue, and I thought I'd share it.

She says:

"Ok, so, the American Association of Orthopaedic surgeons, a number of textbooks, and a couple of other soures all agree that the type of pelvic fracture we're talking about--i.e., a pelvic ring fracture or "open book" fracture--in healthy adults with no existing bone conditions are almost exclusively the result of high-energy forces, such as, "car accident, crushing accident, high fall". So right away, we can more or less kill the theory that fisting can cause such a fracture but LET'S DO THE MATH.

Let's pretend we wanna compare fisting to a car accident, which is the cause of ~57% of pelvic ring fractures. (If the fisting is "supposed" to cause iliac fractures, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong). A minor car accident, defined here to be a car (~4000 lbs) that hits a tree from 1ft going 30 mph, with a stretchy seatbelt and a 160 lb person--this is all BEST CASE SCENARIO--exerts about 535659.7498775509 N of force. Just for kicks, let's really lowball it and say something like one tenth of that force will break your pelvis, which is about 53565--> 50000 Newtons.

A sports medicine study of human force behind a punch? 866 to 1149 N of force for boxers.

So,say your partner is SO SUPER ULTRA STRONG AND AWESOME that they can punch consistently with 1500 N of force, which we again note is stronger and harder than the average heavyweight boxer hitting full force. If they can multiply that force by 33, as in, hit your, in the vagina or anus, 33 times as hard as a professional boxer, then they can break your pelvis.

In short, 33 heavyweight boxers would have to punch you as hard as they can in the surface area of one fist, simultaneously, in your vagina or anus to break your pelvis."

IML

2010-06-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I attended the International Mr. Leather leather market. I did not get to go to the contest, since it was a work weekend for me, but I followed it closely from my hotel room across the city.

The man who won, Tyler McCormick, is a transgender man (like myself). He is the first transman who win IML, and the first IML winner who uses a wheelchair. This win is something I feel the need to shout about from the rooftops - it sends a powerful message about the meaning of being a man.

How our cultures identify gender simply isn't clear-cut. While many still believe that the presence or absence of a penis at birth is the only definition of gender, those who look more closely at that issue redefine the definition endlessly. It is a classic example of "I think you'll find it's more complicated than that."

In this case, Tyler and the judges of IML have opened the definition within the leather community. It is a cultural, rather than scientific, definition of gender, but it is one I personally agree with. Maleness is not defined by one's genitals at birth, never to be questioned, and I applaud the IML community for recognizing this.

This one is getting coverage!

2010-05-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

Skepchick and Pharyngula are both already discussing this, so go read their posts first.

In short, the American Academy of Pediatrics has lost their minds. They are advocating for allowing doctors to perform a "ritual nick" on girl's genitals, in order to appease parents who wish to have their daughter's genital mutilated.

Yes, mutilated. I'm not going to use any other term for it.

I understand that this is intended as a harm reduction method, but harm reduction is generally used by the individual(s) who would potentially come to harm. One cannot push a "harm reduction" method onto someone else without their consent. Genital mutilation is, by definition, non-consensual.

Here's the part where I discuss something different than the other blogs.

What I find interesting is this: Religious people often say that religion is where they get their morals. They often say that nonbelievers cannot be moral, that sexually positive people cannot be moral, and that none of us care about anyone but ourselves. This case shows so clearly that they are wrong. The skeptics, the atheists, and the sexually empowered community have risen with one voice on this issue. WE recognize that this is not ok.

This is not moral. This is evil. We can see it, and we cry out in horror and sympathy for the little girls who will be hurt by this. We care.

Quickie!

2010-05-06T07:18:00.001-07:00

Transvestites save the world!

Ok, my alternative title is an exaggeration. Still, the fact that San Francisco's drag community is contributing in a very special way to the oil clean-up in the gulf makes me enormously happy.

An update

2010-05-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

I will be doing a small star party, along with an explanation of the solstice from an astronomical point of view at the event I was discussing a few days ago. I feel a lot better knowing that I can provide a scientific discussion of this topic to go along side the spiritual gathering.

Quickie!

2010-05-02T07:49:00.000-07:00

Intersex Horse!

Every time someone says "That's not natural!" about something that happens to humans, or something that humans do I have to laugh. It's all natural folks. Nature shows a lot more variability than we do!

I find it kind of annoying that the owner of the horse goes on about how the horse is really a girl. The idea that exterior genital define gender is pervasive, and while it can't hurt the feelings of this horse, it certainly does enormous damage to people.

Delicate Situations

2010-04-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight an announcement went up on a forum for an event I am attending that has left me thinking a lot about how to handle delicate situations at sex-positive events.

In this case, my very favorite kinky camping event is going to be including a very involved Midsummer's "night of spirit, energy, ritual and celebration." This will be taking place in the middle of the event, taking over the center of the campground, and will be attended by a significant majority of the attendees at the event. It is planned by some people who I know make spirituality a major part of their lives, and is being enthusiastically received by many of those who will be at the campground that weekend.

I have to be honest, my gut reaction to this annoyance. A big part of why I started this blog is actually related to events like this - the skeptical, rational, and non-spiritual people in the sex positive world are completely invisible and ignored at events like this. The idea that anyone could possibly be uncomfortable with this simply doesn't occur to people.

However, this particular event loudly proclaims itself as "radically inclusive" and I really DO want that to include being inclusive of spirituality. I would not want those who want to celebrate the summer solstice as a spiritual event to feel unwelcome either.

So where is the ground that can be welcoming to those who are pagans or similarly spiritual, but not alienate those who are not believers, or who subscribe to a more traditional religion? After all, it would not be acceptable to traditional Christians, Jews, or Muslims to attend something like this either and they are also welcome at this camp should they choose to come.

Perhaps one option is to include a scientific or skeptical event that weekend at a different time (to allow people to attend both). If I were more experienced with astronomy I'd hold a star-party, since the view there is very nice, but alas I don't have the experience or the equipment for that to work. Maybe just a "Skeptics Meet-Up" at a different time would be one option.

I'd love to hear any other ideas.

Why them?

2010-04-24T23:24:00.001-07:00

The system of hormones and brain activity that leads a human being to the sensation of pair bonding is pretty clear. In other words, we know a lot about how people fall in love. We don't know everything about it, but it's an area that isn't all that hard to study with modern technology.

On the other hand, it seems quite unclear why a person falls for another person. I don't mean the general "what evolutionary purpose does love serve?" because that's not hard to explore. I mean "why that specific person?"

I was sitting around with a group of polyamorous people at a party last night and someone was discussing soul mates, and their belief that we all have more than one soul mate. Although those are certainly not terms I would ever use, I understood what she meant by the term soul mate: someone with whom one feels they have a very strong connection, usually quite quickly. It got me thinking about the people with whom I have felt that (in my case, 3 people) and the big question came up: Why those 3 women? What was it about them that triggered that response in me, when no one else has?

I find it particularly interesting that I have had VERY strong NRE reactions to certain people, and almost none with others. I believe that most people have had a similar experience: You meet someone, or start dating them, and have a very strong intense desire to spend time with them, have a lot of sex, and obsess about them for awhile. What is it that triggers this response?

For myself, I can spot some similarities between the people I have responded to in this way (they've all been outgoing fair-skinned tall curvy women) but the correlation may mean nothing at all. The next one could turn out to be a short black man for all I know.

The really interesting question is why did I NOT have this reaction to the men I have dated and slept with? Why not the other women? Why have I not had this reaction to every woman who fits the description I gave?

In an argument from ignorance, the person I was talking to at that party last night would say either that I was "destined" to develop something intense with those women with whom I have felt that reaction. She would probably say it was because we'd had a history together in a past life.

I would prefer to know more about the real answers.

When anecdote is all you've got

2010-04-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

One of the problems with sex research is that the people who have really interesting questions about sexuality and sexual identity are rarely researchers or scientists. Some of us may have an interest in science, or may even be skeptics, but it is extremely rare for us to have the ability to do any real research to answer the questions we have.

Doing good research these days requires education, funding, and access to a lot of other resources. So what do we do when we have a question, but none of those resources?

Well, first we CAN check the literature. Those of us who know how to do that sometimes do. But the vast majority of the time we're asking questions that have not been researched yet, because sexuality is an area with more questions than answers. Sex is, after all, a squishy science.

After that, all we really can do is turn to other people who have something in common with us, and ask them about their experiences. For those without a scientific background this is the first step into finding answers.

Here's an example: Recently one of the forums on fetlife was discussing transmen's experiences with going off of hormone replacement therapy (testosterone medications). This discussion was of particular interest to me, since I recently went off my T after a bit more than 7 years of taking it. There are no studies on people going off of testosterone at the doses we usually take it, or for people quitting after extended periods of time on it. Our doctors can make some educated guesses about the results of quitting, but it's a scary decision to make, and the details are a mystery to the scientific community as far as I can tell.

The reason there isn't much study on this subject is pretty simple - it's rare. Probably less than a hundred transmen quit taking T each year, which is a small number even within the already small group transmen already take up.

So what choice do we have other than to take anecdotal stories about the small number of other experiences?

I think this is one area in which anecdote really can help us make decisions. When other's stories about their experiences are the only thing we CAN go on (no better science is available) then those stories and the experiences of those who are similar to us can help guide decision making.

Unfortunately this often leads people to look to anecdote FIRST, instead of seeking better evidence. This is where we go astray.

"...explain it away."

2010-04-17T17:37:00.001-07:00

I recently read something on fetlife that really made me sad. Someone was talking about their belief in spiritual power associated with sexuality, and they said: "Science just wants to explain all that away, and I don't buy it."

I have heard things like this before. Often people's idea of science is that understanding how something works takes away from the beauty of it. They think that if we understand how our bodies and brains cause the emotions of being in love, or being sexually aroused then those experiences won't be pleasurable anymore.

This doesn't make any sense to me at all. Does understanding how flowers work make them smell less beautiful? Does exploring the mechanics of a star prevent us from enjoying the sensation of the spring sun on our faces? Of course not! In fact, I find those experiences to be enhanced by increased knowledge. Knowing more makes me appreciate things more, not less.

Why should it be any different with sexuality? I know some about the impact that oxytocin has on pair bonding, but that did not make the love I had with my last partner any less intense. It also did not make the breakup any less painful.

Scientists do not want to ruin the beauty of your sexual or romantic life by understanding how it works. Science is not out to "explain it away."

Quickie!

2010-04-17T15:01:00.000-07:00

Most Promiscuous Bird

I like this story because we usually hear about "monogamous" animals (which rarely turn out to be completely monogamous), but this species is quite the opposite. Plus the line "The average brood of chicks had more than 2.5 fathers" is just amusing.

Pareidolia of the genitals

2010-04-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

"There is an universal tendency among mankind to conceive all beings like themselves, and to transfer to every object, those qualities, with which they are familiarly acquainted, and of which they are intimately conscious. We find human faces in the moon, armies in the clouds; and by a natural propensity, if not corrected by experience and reflection, ascribe malice or good- will to every thing, that hurts or pleases us."

--David Hume

We know that the human brain is very firmly hardwired to spot faces. We see them in everything, all of the time. I remember spotting face-shaped areas in the natural wood grain in the house I grew up in. The similarity of the front-end of automobiles to the shape of a face was utilized well in the movie Cars from Pixar.

The times when this effect gets some media attention, and gets pulled into the world of the paranormal is when the face or shape people see in the world appears to them to look like a religious figure. Believers take the idea that Jesus or Mary will appear in the stains on a wall or their breakfast toast very seriously.

I would argue that the appearance of genital shapes are far more common than the religious images people spot. They don't make the evening news often, but the Bad Astronomer linked to this story today which DID make the news!

There are whole websites dedicated to sexual pareidolia (although I doubt they'd know that's what it is). My personal favorite is Things That Are Doing It.

Neat!

2010-04-09T16:40:00.001-07:00

I found instructions on Making a paracord bullwhip.

Not really science, but definitely kinky, and I thought I'd share.

Who thinks oral sex is sex?

2010-04-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

The reason why I'm going to be spelling out WHAT kind of sex I'm talking about when it's appropriate here is spelled out quite clearly in this study. Basically it states that the number of college students who consider oral sex to be "having sex" is only 20%, and has fallen quite a bit over time. I'm not sure what the numbers are for the general population (this study was exclusively college students), but I'd guess that the trend at least is pretty accurate.

The paper mentions the possible impact this may have on STI prevention, but I am dissatisfied with their discussion of the reasons for this change, which I think is a pretty interesting question. Also, I would interested in a study that compares this one (97% heterosexual) with a survey done in the LGBT community. I would guess that the number of LGBT people who consider oral sex to be sex would be higher, but I'd like to see a study - 'cause data is better than my guesses.

Quickie!

2010-04-08T07:12:00.001-07:00

DA to teachers: New sex ed course could get you arrested

I'm ashamed to say this is happening here in my home state. The very idea that teaching people how to do something in a more safe manner is the same as encouraging them is nonsense.

I'm really proud that Wisconsin has a good comprehensive sex education law, and this DA needs to do his job, not push his religious beliefs into his position.

He compares teaching teens to use condoms to teaching them to mix drinks. What a weak analogy! If we're going to be comparing sex and alcohol (not a fair comparison anyway) then this is NOT like teaching them how to make drinks - it's like giving them the phone number to a taxi cab service so they don't drive drunk.

Sex Addiction

2010-04-02T10:24:00.001-07:00

When I was 17 years old I was officially diagnosed with sex addiction. This was long before the recent surge in media attention, and the practice of many male celebrities caught in affairs going into rehab clinics to treat their "addictions." But when I was 17 I was not a virgin, and for reasons unrelated to my sexuality I was sent to a boarding school that specialized in teens with serious mental health problems. It turned out that treating addiction was their primary focus, and since I had never had a drink, never done drugs, never even smoked a cigarette, but was not a virgin I MUST be a sex addict. Afterall, I had to be addicted to something!

My sexual partner in high school was a girl with whom I had a very intense connection. Lesbian relationships in high school do tend to be pretty intense. There may have been some biological reasons for this relating to bonding hormones, but I don't think it was all that different from any other 2 year long teenage romance. We started having sex exactly a year into our relationship, so I wouldn't say we rushed it.

They diagnosed me as a sex addict because they had no other way of dealing with a student at that school who was sexually active and identified as a lesbian. The idea that homosexual sex, or underage sex, could be healthy was entirely foreign to these people, and so therefore that meant I was a sex addict.

While the above is just an anecdote, there is evidence that sex addiction is a label often given to people who's sexual expression doesn't jive well with the environment around them. It is often the label given to men (rarely women) who have affairs, people who participate in homosexual sex (especially when they identify as straight) and to those who turn to sex workers to get their sexual needs met. Dr. Marty Klein seems to agree with me.

So what IS sex addiction? Is it a real addiction problem that is simply being over diagnosed, or are all sex addicts simply people who's sexual expression is pathologized by a puritanical society?

Here's my understanding of the situation: There are many people who are participating in sexual activities for reasons that are not helpful to their mental and physical health. These may be acting on sexual compulsions, making decisions that are more risky than they would prefer, spending enormous amounts of time on porn or seeking sex partners etc. These behaviors can put their lives, families, emotional health, and financial health at risk. For these reasons, many people need some real help getting a handle on controlling out of control sexual behaviors.

If calling these behaviors sex addiction helps those people get the help they need, then it makes sense to me to call it that. Many of the behavioral indicators are pretty similar to other things we call addictions such as compulsive gambling, excessive eating, etc. Some of the addiction recovery processes work for these people, and so I hesitate to say that sex addiction isn't a useful label.

On the other hand, I think that many of the people diagnosed as sex addicts are like me - not sexually "normal" but capable of full healthy lives once they get their identity and preferences figured out. Throwing the term "sex addict" onto a man who visits a prostitute a few times because his wife is holding is sexuality hostage is not sex addiction, and calling it that does not solve the problem nor make him (or his wife) any healthier. Calling sexuality active 17 year old girl a sex addict does not help her learn to live a safe and healthy way to express her sexuality. Telling a single man that looking at porn makes him a sex addict only brings shame and fear into his life.

So how should sex addiction be defined if at all? How can we best protect the majority of us from a label that may only apply to an extremely small number of people (or none at all)?

Edit: Mollena who knows a thing or two, tweeted to me: "I feel like this: regardless of what ya believe, knowing that a Dr. won't treat something they don't acknowledge is important." This is a good point - What a medical/mental professional thinks about a diagnosis is CRUCIAL to how it gets treated.

Quickie!

2010-04-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

Christian Group Repeats Gay Marriage Is More Dangerous Than Smoking

Sigh. First of all, the stat that gay men die between 8 and 20 years younger than straight men is still somewhat controversial, and the age difference is almost entirely due to AIDS and other STDs. So why on EARTH would preventing gay marriage (which may actually reduce the rates of STDs among gay men, we'll see in a few more years) actually help these people?

The very concept of using this as a reason to ban marriage equality drives me bonkers.

Risk tolerance - Something in common!

2010-04-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

One of the things that sex positive communities and skeptics both talk about a lot is the weighing of risk and benefit. We discuss these issues in different ways, and related to different subjects, but the end result is that all of the groups I am gearing this blog towards have to do some level of risk analysis.

Skeptics talk about risk/benefit analysis a lot when discussing medical claims. We tend to be pretty good at spotting the benefits and risks of science based medicine, and we know that anything with a real benefit WILL carry some risk (even if it is small). The alt med proponents are the ones claiming "no side-effects!" on their products and services, not the science based folks.

Sex-positive people (swingers, polyamorous people, ethical sluts etc) have to do risk assessments for our sexual practices. Is the benefit of having multiple sexual partners worth the increased risk of STDs? What, if any, birth control methods should we use? What sexual practices need barrier protection and which do not? What diseases do we consider to be serious and which can we live with? The answers people come up with vary, but an important part of being an openly sexual person is deciding these things.

Kinksters have a whole culture around risk assessment. We even use the word "risk" when discussing what practices the community considers acceptable - the phrase is RACK (risk aware consensual kink) and I'll discuss that more in a future post. We have to decide what the physical and emotional risks are associated with various types of play, or with various people, and then decide if those risks are worth the benefit of the kind of play we want to have. The risk tolerance of people varies WIDELY, but we all have a responsibility to decide that for ourselves.

However, there is a problem I see her. I often do not see these groups recognizing the risk analysis that takes place in other communities. Skeptics often find non-monogamy and kink to be "dangerous" without really looking at the risk analysis those groups participate in. Kinksters and polyamorous folks will frequently dismiss science based medicine because of side effects that they would not blink an eye at if they were to be the result of an orgasm instead of a life-saving pill.

Furthermore, I don't think that the risks people discuss in the kink and sex-positive communities are based nearly enough on real evidence. This is an area in which the skeptics can really help out. Mostly I think we do a pretty good job of discussing the ways we can make our play safer, but there are some things we really could use a better discussion of the evidence for. I'll discuss many of these on this blog one-by-one - in fact, I expect it to be a really large number of posts, so if you have a question about the evidence for some specific claim please ask!

Defining Kink

2010-03-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

I prefer the word "kink." There are others who prefer other words: pervert, BDSM, fetish, or non-vanilla.

As I define it, "kink" is a sexual practice or activity that one's society does not recognize to be common. This is intended specifically to exclude homosexuality or bisexuality because both are common, if not in the majority.

Kink includes BDSM, fetishes, and roleplay. I will cover each separately.

BDSM: This acronym refers to Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Yes, there are more words there than letters - BDDSSM would be somewhat long as an acronym, don't you think? A breakdown on these:

Bondage: The practice of limiting the movement of a person's body. This can be done with nearly anything - neckties, thread, ratchet straps, belts, ribbon, nylon zip ties or just words. The traditional bondage implements include handcuffs, leather bondage equipment, and rope. Some bondage practices are very stylized and involve significant practice and training, such as Shibari rope work. Others involve very little training.

Discipline: This term generally refers to a set of rules, protocols, or punishments associated with kinky play. It can sometimes be seen as similar to bondage, but discipline puts limits on behavior, rather than limits on movement. In some cases discipline can include an extensive set of very ritualized protocols, or it can be significantly more limited. Nearly any other kind of BDSM play can be used to enforce discipline.

Dominance and Submission: These are two sides of the same coin. Also termed "power exchange" the practice of dominance and submission (also termed D/s) involves a submissive individual (or more than one) giving some level of control over to a dominant individual (or more than one). This may or may not involve other kinky play, though it nearly always involves some level of discipline. D/s relationships can be full time (also called 24/7 to TPE which stands for Total Power Exchange) or may just take place within a specific time and place.

Sadism and Masochism: Sadism is the enjoyment of inflicting pain, and masochism is the enjoyment of receiving pain. There are a nearly infinite number of ways to inflict and receive pain, but some of the classic ones include spanking, flogging, and whipping.

Fetish: A fetish can be defined in several ways. The psychological definition is usually a non-sexual object or concept that is required by a person to achieve orgasm, but this is not the definition most people use. A more common usage is a usually non-sexual object or concept that creates or helps create an aroused state for a person. I will be using the more colloquial usage in this blog for a very specific reason: the meaning used by mental health professionals limits the usage only to those people who have a problem with their fetish, and does not include the larger group of people who do not.

Roleplay: Roleplay in the sexual sense is the practice of taking on the role or persona of someone significantly different than one's self in a sexual context. This can include an enormous number of roles, including the classic sexy nurse role, or the schoolgirl roles. Some common forms of roleplay include ageplay (taking on the role of a person who's age is significantly different, such as a child or teenager), pony play or puppy play (taking on the role of an animal), and medical play (taking on the role of a medical professional).

If other kink related terms require definition in the future, I will try to define them in posts on those specific topics, but this is a simple list of the basics.

Defining Sex

2010-03-23T18:55:00.001-07:00

Here is a doozy for you all! How shall I define sex (the verb) on this blog?

Honestly, I have never heard a good definition for sex. I think the definitions vary quite widely from person to person to be really useful. While I think that most people can agree that the penetration of a penis into a vagina to the point of one or more orgasms is sex, beyond that there seems to be serious questions. Is penetration without orgasm sex? Is anal penetration sex? Is fellatio sex, or cunnilingus, or penetration with a toy or oral sex on a toy or handjobs or...

I personally use a pretty broad definition of sex in my own life, but I feel that for a scientific blog it is crucial to use clearly defined terms.

So for the sake of this blog, I will make a serious effort to be clear about the kind of sex I am discussing here whenever possible. If I am unclear, please let me know so I can clarify. If the type of sex being discussed in a study or on some other source is not clarified, I will try to point this out (and will likely be generally annoyed by the lack of specificity).

How do you define sex?

Defining LGBT

2010-03-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

Since James Randi came out today, I'm going to go ahead and do my "defining LGBT" post today, instead of putting it off further.

LGBT stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. It also usually includes under it's umbrella people who identify as queer, questioning, bicurious, pansexual, trisexual, hetroflexible, homoflexible, and any other term relating to non-heterosexual sexual orientation and non-typical gender identity.

In this blog I intend to use the terms that people prefer to call themselves whenever possible. When it is unknown what someone's preferred term is, I will use the term that appears to be most applicable.

An exception to this is that hypocritical right-wingers who get caught participating in non-heterosexual affairs will NOT be called by their preferred label, since they are generally lying. In those cases I will use the term that seems to best apply based on their behavior. Usually, this label is "bisexual" since I don't think that having a wife and also homosexual sexual encounters makes one gay.

A coming out...

2010-03-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

James Randi, one of those most influential people in the skeptic movement, came out yesterday.

I am always enormously touched when people make the decision to come out late in their lives. Mr. Randi is 81 years old, and he has lived through enormous changes in the way our society sees LGBT people. I think it's really wonderful that he has been able to be open and honest and comfortable with his own sexual orientation.

There are many in the skeptic movement who have some serious discomfort with sexual topics, but I have been very pleased to see that those do not seem to extend to discomfort with sexual orientation. The reception I have seen so far has been overwhelmingly positive, and I hope it stays that way.

Quickie!!

2010-03-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

Monogamous Frogs!

I find this fascinating. I guess I'd always assumed that monogamy (social or sexual, and I'll get into the difference in another post) required a certain level of brainpower - something around the level of birds. This indicates that a frog species is monogamous, and that the monogamous behavior shares a similar reason as other species - co-parenting.

They might end up finding that some of these frogs are not truly monogamous (many socially monogamous animals cheat), but the continuing relationship here is really interesting.

Hehehe....

2010-03-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not above linking to some dirty humor:

Dirty Space News

Enjoy!

Quickie!

2010-03-13T22:16:00.000-08:00

Children who watch X-rated films 'more likely to drink'

There is some clearly bad science reporting here - the study appears to have looked at the relationship with R rated films, not X rated ones. I think this is an important point. It looks to me that despite the loudly sexual headline, the study didn't relate to a sexual theme in movies at all!

Who am I?

2010-03-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

Now that I have introduced the idea of this blog, it seems only prudent to explain a bit about myself.

First of all my name is Benny. I'm a 28 year old guy in Madison Wisconsin USA. I work a pretty normal office job during the day, and in the evenings I attend classes at my local Tech school where I am seeking an Associates degree in accounting. I also run a small business (I'll get more into that in another post).

I'm going to discuss the parts of my identity here that will impact the types of posts that will appear in this blog.

Me as a skeptic:

I first started really looking at the world as a skeptic a few years ago when I listened to "Demon Haunted World" by Carl Sagan at work. I first began identifying with the WORD skeptic about 2 years ago when I started listening to Skeptics Guide to the Universe because I ran across it on iTunes.

My roots of skepticism go further back though. I got a good foundation in science as a child because I went to really good schools, and because my parents encouraged my early interest in astronomy. I dabbled in some psudoscience at various points in my past (I was interested in neo-paganism in high school, believed strongly that I was telepathic when I was in middle school) but by my adulthood I really started looking at the world with a certain amount of skepticism.

Through resources like Sagan's work, Skeptics Guide and Skeptoid, many other podcasts and blogs I have learned a lot about formal skepticism. I have spent a good amount of time learning about logical fallacy, the processes of critical thinking, and how to examine my own ideas about the world.

What I am NOT is a real scientist. I remind you - I am a tech school student. I have not attended a university, and my formal education in science ended in high school. A big part of why I wanted to do this blog is for my own education - so that I can learn while discussing these topics.

Me as a transman:

I am a transsexual man. This means that I was born and raised as a female, but live my adult life as a man. I use the word transsexual rather than transgender to describe myself because transgender is an umbrella term that refers to any person who's identity does not match up perfectly with either male or female, while a transsexual person has a personal identity that is the opposite gender of their birth body.

I have outwardly identified as a male since I was 16, but my questions about my own gender go back much further. I first contacted an organization for transmen with some questions when I was 16 (and was told they could not talk to me because I was underage), but I was stealing underwear from my brother and pretending to have a penis long before that. I spent much of my childhood praying (literally) that I would wake up as a boy.

I started a pretty typical medical transition when I was 20, and have used testosterone since then. I had chest surgery (breast removal) a few years ago as well. I am pretty happy in my body now, and I always present as male - people who do not know me very well never guess that I used to be a girl.

Me as pansexual:

Pansexual is a term that refers to the experience of being attracted to people without regard to their gender - being attracted to men, women, transmen, transwomen, transgender people, genderqueer people, intersex people.... and any other group. It is similar to bisexuality, except that it also includes people who do not fall into the distinct groups of men and women.

While I identify as pansexual, I have found that my attraction for different groups of people based on gender is different - I am not gender blind. In the past I have tended to have deep romantic relationships with women - I have been deeply in love 3 times, and all of those relationships have been with women. The best sex I have ever had has been inside of 2 of these relationships. I am visually and physically attracted to masculine men - these can be transmen or biological men, but the masculine form is super hot to me, and I love sex with men. I do not tend to be sexually attracted to feminine men, most transwomen, or people who identify as genderqueer or androgynous. However, I do have very close friendships with some feminine men and transwomen.

Me as a kinkster:

I am kinky. When I use this word I do not mean that I like to use fuzzy handcuffs in the bedroom once in awhile. I mean that fetish and kink are a huge part of my identity, and that sexuality is not something I reserve for the bedroom.

There are a HUGE range of kinks and fetishes out there, and it's safe to assume that I have participated in many of the ones you can think of. If I haven't then I probably know people who have. Many will be discussed here in detail, when a topic related to them comes up.

Much like the community of skeptics, there is also a large community of kinksters. Actually, I would say that there are two distinct groups of kinksters - Leathermen (mostly gay kinky guys) and the pansexual kink community (everyone else). I'm sure there will be later posts discussing the separations of these groups, and why I think the separation sucks.

I will discuss the ethics and philospophy of the kink/BDSM/fetish communities in many later posts.

Me as polyamorous:

Polyamory is the practice of having multiple romantic (and often sexual) relationships at the same time with the full knowledge and consent (or enthusiastic support) of all involved.

I have not really been monogamous in my adulthood. I have had 2 serious relationships in that time, and many other sexual and romantic partners for various amounts of time. I have made many of the mistakes that can be made in polyamory, and I have learned a lot about myself and love through the process.

While I think that monogamy can work for some people (perhaps most people) I think it is unlikely to ever work for me. I will discuss many forms on non-monogamy in this blog, including polyamory. Some of those posts will be about non-monogamy in my own culture, and some will be about other cultures perspectives on relationship structure.

I am currently dating, but not in a serious relationship. I suppose that will likely change over the course of this blog. I will be able to discuss to some degree my own experience of being single and dating in the world as a polyamorous person.

Well, that's me for now!

Defining Skepticism

2010-03-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

There is one thing I'm going to need to do before I can get into the fun of looking into the various claims and studies I intend to investigate in this blog; I need to define the terms I'm going to use here. Since this blog is intended to be a merging of multiple communities, it will be important to give a 101 level explanation of the varied communities involved.

I'm going to start with skepticism.

At least for the purposes of this blog, I define skeptics as any person who recognizes that the scientific method is the best tool we (humans) have for discovering what is true or accurate about the universe around us. This means that we expect to investigate the claims made by others and we insist upon real evidence for those claims if we are to accept them.

Skepticism is not a set of beliefs. In fact there are frequent disagreements between those who identify as skeptics about many individual issues. Skepticism is a process and a method of critical thinking that we hope will lead us toward an understanding of the world as it really is, rather than what we would like to it be.

I will discuss in later posts more of the details of the process of skepticism. But I highly suggest that my readers who are not already familiar with the skeptical world check out the resources I list below.

- Skeptoid is simply the best short podcast on skepticism. Brian Dunning covers one topic on each brief show.

- Bad Astronomy is a blog on skepticism and astronomy. Phil Plait is a wonderful writer, and has also written 2 books I recommend: Death From the Skies and Bad Astronomy.

- Skepchick is a blog by a bunch of women. This blog is very prolific, and has great discussions in the comments.

There is a lot more out there, and I will recommend some other resources in the future. But those are a good start.

If you have more, feel free to put them in the comments!

Science, Skepticism, and Sexuality

2010-03-10T20:48:00.001-08:00

This blog, Science Based Sex, is intended as a melding of the ideas and values of skepticism with the ideas and values of sex positiveism. I have a handful of reasons for starting this blog, and I intend to discuss some of those reasons in this first post.

The first reason is that I am no longer doing a podcast, so I wanted a new outlet to discuss my ideas and thoughts with the world. I am a former co-host of the podcast Young and Kinky, and since I am no longer doing that it freed up some of my energy.

Another reason is that I have recently noticed that while there are plenty of skeptics in the sex positive communities, and plenty of sexual people among the skeptics, no one seems to be discussing the overlap in specific detail. So it seemed like a gap I could fill.

Finally, I have started to become extremely curious about claims made within all of the communities I move in, and I wanted an opportunity to explore those issues further. There are a wide range of beliefs within the BDSM, polyamorous, LGBT, and skeptical communities that all need to be questioned and investigated. I think looking into these issues would be a wonderful education for me in my own skeptical process, and this blog is intended to help with that.

I am not an expert. I do not have an advanced degree in any science field. My knowledge of sexuality is limited to what I have learned in the communities in which I take part. This blog will be a record of my own process of learning, as well as a resource for my readers. I expect to make mistakes, and I hope that you will help me learn from them.

Enjoy!